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[[BURIED IN THE ENORMITY OF A FOGHORN’S BELLOW]]]]]]]it was down at the wharf. i finally had a car, by that point, and i liked going down to the wharf during our days off; it was far enough from the base that it actually felt like we were getting off campus, seeing the nearby sights. the ships pulling in and out of port were always so meditative.(click:"always so meditative")+(t8n:"dissolve")[
[[it was raining.]]
[[it was sunset.]]]the wind beat at the flags, and the rainwater spattered the concrete and the boardwalk alike. the rain on the waves made for a grey, choppy, stormy scene; if i squinted, out in the distance, i could see a fishing boat being tossed on the waves.
my coat was soaked, my socks were drenched, even [[before you showed up.->you arrived]]the clouds were furious streaks of gold and orange against a rich blue sky. a tiny glimpse of moon peeked out, barely visible against the swiftly-approaching twilight. a couple of fishing boats were easing their way into the harbor; it looked like something out a painting. [[you arrived<-an image seared into my memory.]]it was after we got the results of our final exams for the year, i remember that much. i had read my scores [[in the hour beforehand]], before sending you the voicemail, asking you to meet me at the wharf. i remember you storming up without so much as a hello, with [[the determination and ferocity of a hurricane.]]i don’t understand why they insisted on posting our exam results so publicly, in a way that everyone could see. i suppose it must have been a way of pushing us toward excellence: if we could see who was getting the best results in the class, we could know where our weakest links were.(click:"weakest links")+(t8n:"dissolve")[
in practice, it was a shaming tactic: it made us tear each other apart, filling the air with rumors and gossip whenever somebody came up short — or dropped out of the program entirely.
and in this particular case, it spotlit the secret [[i had been concealing from you for months.->you arrived]]]upon reflection,(click:"upon reflection,")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ and believe me — i’ve had a lot of time for reflection —] i know i should have been honest with you from the jump. i knew that if you saw my results, and saw that i had actually gone through with the decision to apply for a remote satellite post, that you would call me up in a heartbeat. it was a conversation i was dreading; one that i thought i could pre-empt, by calling you first.
one that didn’t get any easier now that you were standing right in front of me.(click:"right in front of me.")+(t8n:"dissolve")[
[[you just stared, waiting for me to explain.]]
[[you cut me off before i could begin.]]][[do you remember the last time we saw each other, face to face?]]i knew it from the moment i opened my mouth to speak, i had already broken your trust.
[[i knew my explanation wouldn’t make you feel better.->silence]]
[[i tried to tell you anyways.->explanation]]
(set:$ispeakfirst to true)you were right to call me out. after all the work we had been through, all of our efforts to get through base training together, applying for the solo track was an act of selfishness. cowardice, even.
a gust of wind tore through; i pulled my jacket tighter around my chest. i knew trying to cut you off while you were chewing me out would have made things worse.
how could i explain my rationale? how could i put into
[[i tried to get a word in edgewise.->explanation]]
[[i just stood there, taking it.->silence]]
(set:$ispeakfirst to false)TK TK(if:$ispeakfirst is true)[i finally managed to get a word in, to ask for a chance to defend myself. i knew it wouldn’t justify anything, wouldn’t smooth things over, but i wanted you to hear my side of the story.
]you just stood there, silent. i stuttered, trying to get the words out:(click:"trying to get the words out")+(t8n:"dissolve")[
[[i was afraid of failure.->jan]]
[[it was because of the system getting in our way.->august and pepper]]
[[i was afraid of losing you.->us]]]Double-click this passage to edit it.TK TKTK TKTK TK