TINCAN ELEGY (dancing)

//LOCAL TRANSMISSION: ONLINE(click: "ONLINE")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ SIGNAL DECRYPTION: 21%(click:"21%")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ SIGNAL DECRYPTION: 46%(click:"46%")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ SIGNAL DECRYPTION: 76%(click:"76%")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ SIGNAL DECRYPTION: 100%(click:"100%")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[A PROMISE WHISPERED IN THE HOWL OF A LOUDSPEAKER]]]]]]]

it was during our second year exams, i think. while we were all studying for some midterm, or some final, or some paper that we all had coming up. astrobiology, or something. i can’t remember. tennyson was a notoriously harsh grader, and everybody was posted up in august’s room were looking over each other’s notes. i remember you insisted on getting us all off campus. just to leave the base for one night.(click:"just to leave the base for one night.")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ you offered to drive, i think? but we were all in august’s room, and so august ended up being the driver. the five of us, piled into her car on our way to some dive bar on the far side of town.(click:"some dive bar on the far side of town.")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[it was some place none of us had never heard of.]] [[it was some place you’d been before.]]]]

we always spent so much time on the base. i mean, i didn’t have a car at first, and with training being what it was we really didn’t have very much free time, so leaving campus was pretty uncommon. [[i always was a bit of a homebody, i suppose.->arriving outside]]

i always admired the way you had so many recommendations for all of us. some album you thought one of us would like, or some book that we might enjoy. august always joked that you were off playing matchmaker, or sommelier: setting us up with [[experiences that we would never forget.->arriving outside]]

i remember being skeptical from the moment we stepped out of the car. it was too warm, the humidity sticking loose strands of hair to the back of my neck. i kept balling my hands into fists and stuffing them in my jacket, clenching and unclenching them. even though the parking lot was only half full, it still felt stifling; too close and too far away, all at once. a couple of locals were standing out front, sharing a cigarette. i felt like they were staring at us as we walked in, interlopers to their regular haunt.(click:"interlopers")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ they probably didn’t care, but i was on edge, my mind focused on exams. there was something that felt risque, almost taboo, about showing up in this part of town. i wanted to be literally [[anywhere else in that moment.->entering the bar]]] (set:$pepper to false) (set:$august to false) (set:$jan to false)

it was the kind of spot that was too small, like we were back then: desperately trying to be something larger than it could possibly contain. a couple of tables, a couple of booths, a corner where three musicians were setting up for some sort of gig. ripped band posters lined the walls, alongside framed newspaper articles about the old protests that happened back in the day. [[you and pepper->pepper]] sidled right up to the bar and started ordering drinks while the rest of us found a booth where we could situate ourselves. the laminate was dark green, clinging to my pants as i tried to scoot in [[next to august->august]]. there was some patch of residue on the table; [[jan]] grabbed a napkin and started wiping it down. (if:$pepper is true and $august is true and $jan is true)[i sat for as long as i possibly could, trying to focus on the posters, on the band, on the gaggle of regulars at the counter. [[avoiding everyone’s gaze.]]]

the two of you were the most adventurous of our little study group, upon reflection. i remember looking over, while we were waiting, and seeing you strike up an animated chat with the bartender; pepper was half paying attention, clearly interested in the musicians’ setup as well. pepper always had her mind in two places at once, able to hold one conversation without losing the thread of another. that knack for multitasking was something i really admired — her ability to split focus without [[entering the bar<-losing sight of the bigger picture.]] (set:$pepper to true)

i always felt jan was so level-headed compared to the rest of us. he was our senior, always taking courses on the accelerated track, one step ahead of us, a canary in the coal mine for threats that would come our way much later. even as we saw other students buckle under pressure, even as our peers bargained with their advisors to transfer from solo deployment to central command, even as others dropped out of the program entirely, he would always show up day-in and day out with that same soft smile across his face. those same tired eyes, aware of the daunting task ahead, but resolute about the work to be done. i remember, one time i asked him how he was always able to maintain his composure, when all of us were always so stressed. he pursed his lips in the way that he always did, and replied with his usual brevity:(click:"his usual brevity:")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ “oh, i'm roiling inside. i just [[actually have healthy emotional outlets.->entering the bar]]”] (set:$jan to true)

the thing i admired about august the most, i think, was her ability to catch the attention of a whole room. if she wanted to, she could posture herself, she could speak, in a way that had everybody hanging off her every word. if she wanted, she could have used that skill to coast her way through the entirety of base training, to make herself the center of our little study group in some such a way that she didn’t need to actually work. but she didn’t slack off — she still stayed tuned in, not only arresting others’ attention but giving her own attention back to them in turn. it was a [[entering the bar<-kindness not shared by everyone else in our class.]] (set:$august to true)

it was august who tried to diffuse the tension, first. it was obvious that none of us wanted to talk about finals, and she was searching for anything else that could waylay our focus. she tried to start with the small talk. she started asking about our plans for the break, once exams were over. jan responded with something noncommittal, about flying back east for his internship. i couldn’t hear him over the conversation happening behind us.(click:"couldn’t hear him")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ it was all too loud. i knew trying to come out this evening was a mistake. i still felt my pulse quicken, the blood rushing to my ears. [[i couldn't switch off that high alert.]]]

[[do you remember that night we went dancing?]]

i think it was the band starting up that tipped me over the edge. the whine of the guitar amp, the feedback from the howling microphone, the clatter of glasses behind the bar; it all touched something in my nerves. i had to get out. i fumbled my way to standing from the booth, cutting off august’s next question. by the time you and pepper were already walking back with drinks, i had excused myself for the front door.(click:"for the front door.")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ in hindsight, i feel bad for interrupting, even though i know i probably don’t need to. we all got stressed out like this, at times. i just knew, in that moment, that i was too caught up in my head. i simply needed to step outside [[and clear the air.]]]

my head was swimming by the time i made it to the door. i stumbled out onto the sidewalk, fingers to my temples as i leaned against the siding. the locals still out front looked over for a second, stopped smoking their cigarette to watch me. one of them made a comment under his breath. they all turned away after a moment’s notice. i bent over, elbows digging into my stomach. [[taking deep breaths as best i could.]]

the secondhand smoke from the cigarette wafted over, a scratch in the back of my throat cutting against the cool night air. i stuffed my hands back into my pockets again. [[that was when you stepped outside, i remember.]]

in and out.(event:when time>3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ in and out.(event:when time>6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[in and out.]]]]]]

you were carrying one of those cheap plastic cups with ice water in it. i remember you talking too quickly as you pulled my hands from my pockets; they wouldn’t let you take the drinks off the premises, but nobody was looking when you had grabbed this glass. i remember thinking, that’s pretty dumb. they’re not going to let you leave with the drinks you paid for, but the glass of water is fine?(click:"but the glass of water is fine?")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ and then the glass was in my hands, and my hands were in yours, and [[you were guiding me to drink.]]]

by the time we stepped back inside, the band was in full swing — but it wasn’t as discordant as it had been before. it seemed like most of the locals were into it, listening to the music or taking to the one corner that doubled(click:"doubled")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ — if one were being generous —] as the dance floor. pepper and august were already out dancing. jan stayed behind at the booth, watching the two of them. he [[glanced over in our direction]] as you walked me back inside. august waved you over to the crowd on the floor. you looked back to me with a bit of trepidation. i remember smiling as i made my way back to the booth. [[“i’ll join you all on in a bit.”]]

it’s a startlingly intimate experience, having someone hold a glass to your lips. you didn’t tip it back, which i appreciated(click:"which i appreciated")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ (choking on water is never a fun experience)], but you let me drink at my own pace. the water immediately helped me cool my mind; i felt your hands pull away as i tipped the glass up. after the water was gone, i shook the glass for a moment, catching one of the ice cubes behind my teeth. i let it rest on my tongue, feeling it melted as you watched me in silence.(click:"you watched me in silence.")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ what a mess i must have looked like, then. i remember thinking, i hadn’t even had anything from the bar yet. was this really how you wanted to remember this night before our exams? taking care of somebody too stressed to be able to appreciate a night out with friends?(click:"a night out with friends?")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ the ice cube finally dissolved, and i swallowed the last bit of water. i think you were waiting for me to speak first, to break the silence after my moment of panic. i could see your desire to ask the question — are you okay? — poised on the tip of your tongue. buried under the sound of cars driving past and the cool night air.(click:"and the cool night air")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ we lingered in that silence for just a moment, but i found my voice first:(click:"but i found my voice first:")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[“let’s stay outside for just a moment longer.”]] [[“let’s head back in.”]]]]]]

the other locals split up; a few of them drove away, and the rest finished their cigarettes and made their way back into the bar. i could hear the band finishing one of their songs, as the locals headed back inside. soon it was just the two of us outside. the occasional lone car rolling past. the sound of crickets. i continued to lean up against the siding. if i pushed my back into the wall hard enough, if i tilted my head up high enough, i could disappear into the constellations, to truly lose myself in the void of space.(click:"to truly lose myself in the void of space.")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ you spoke up, at that point. “it’s hard to believe that it’s only a matter of time before we wind up there ourselves.” [[i could only stare silently, nodding in agreement.]]]

an expression flickered across your face at that, one which i couldn’t quite place — relief? disappointment? regret? it was gone in an instant. you clapped me on the shoulder with a playful push, and reached for the plastic cup in my hands, now with just a few stray ice cubes in it. [[i handed it back without a fuss as we walked back toward the door.->re-entering the bar]]

a bright streak of white —(event:when time>2s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ and then, in a flash! —(event:when time>4s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ it disappeared.(event:when time>6s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[ “you know what they say,” you said with a teasing smile. “make a wish.”(click:"“make a wish.”")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ it feels a little juvenile to wish upon a star in our line of work. but i made one, anyway.(click:"but i made one, anyway.")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ after that moment of stillness, i handed my glass back over to you. [[“let’s head back inside.”->re-entering the bar]]]]]]]]]]

you continued, i think, eager to fill the sudden stillness. “i’ve been talking with jan and some of the other third-years, about the accelerated courses and the next leg of the training regimen. they say next year we’ll have the opportunity to practice simulations in actual zero-gravity, which i’m looking forward to, but— it all depends on department funding.” i leaned back a bit more, letting your words wash over me.(click:"letting your words wash over me.")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ suddenly, you cut yourself short, clutching at my arm. “up there, do you see it?” i squinted to see where you pointed, and following the arc of your finger. sure enough, i couldn’t miss it—(click:"i couldn’t miss it—")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[a shooting star —]]]]

i think he knew that some sort of moment had happened between the two of us. [[but if he did, he wasn’t going to comment.->re-entering the bar]]

truth be told, i don’t recall too many more of the details of that particular evening. it comes to me in snapshots: cracking some jokes with jan. joining you all on the dance floor. driving back to campus, with the windows down and the chill wind whipping across our faces. i don’t recall the results of that exam, either. it must have been fine. i mean, obviously it turned out fine, otherwise i wouldn’t be sitting here and recording this audio log now.(click:"recording this audio log now.")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ but that moment of panic, and the respite that came when you stepped outside?(click:"when you stepped outside?")+(t8n:"dissolve")[ [[that bit i’ll remember for a very, very long time.]]]]

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